Dear Whippersnapper:

This lady who is holding you will be the love of your life. Son, don’t bite her too often, even to show love, she doesn’t like dog nibbles.
Don’t poop in the house, she gave you a yard.

She will feed you, but for some reason she gets a little freaky if you eat things like: cat poop (yes it’s fantastic), compost, (glorious but she yells and cringes), those things she puts on her paws. Now son, if you ever want to see her cry, and why would you, she is an endless supply of toys and treats, simply gnaw on one of them, the red shiny ones are the ones I liked best. She cried. I think I taught her to put those things up but if not, son please don’t eat them.

Quilts, the ones that smell like old lady, like grandma or great grandma, the ones that you gnom because you can smell the love? Son if you gnaw a hole in them, she will cry and cry and sigh about how much she loves you, but. Son, don’t eat her grandmother’s love.

Now son, listen to what I say here boy — follow her close. Especially when she is cooking, for she will drop all kinds of tasty treats and when you eat these, there will be no yelling. Sometimes she will say things like “I don’t know why he is always underfoot when I’m in the kitchen.” Pay attention for there is where the good snacks fall.

She is easy to please, poop in the yard, don’t eat the stuff in the water room that smells like food. Don’t eat the cats, their food, or their poop, or their toys. She doesn’t like it and they will scratch your eyes out.

Come sit beside her, especially if you see water falling from her face. Amuse her by chewing your tail, or your ear. If she laughs, jump on her and lick her and do a zoomie. Be nice to her friends, especially the shrill ones, or the quiet ones, or the ones who seem to prefer the cats. Make them your secret friends and they will give you snacks when she is not looking. Act the best in front of others as all moms love that.

She will take you for walks, so you can smell new smells and get petted by new people; for drives where they just put food in your car and on many adventures to the country. Always be polite to dogs, cats, and people, especially the tiny ones, for they drop the best food. If you are quiet you can obtain entire extra meals this way, they just fall from the small one’s pockets, plates, and hands. Try to wait and not snatch these snacks.

Don’t jump on the small ones, the old ones, or the sick ones: be it people, cats, or dogs. Wait to be invited to play, most are lovely and will love you too.

Rest and take naps when you can, you are safe, she will never leave you for too long.

Son, you don’t know much or understand yet, but you just landed in a little place that seems like heaven. You are safe, she will keep you not to warm, not too cold, she will feed you, love you, entertain you, take you for walks, and find friends for you, of all kinds of species.

Son, I wish I could be there to teach you how to be a good dog, She said I was the best of the best boys ever so I know I could teach you too. I won’t be there because I will be going to where good dogs go. I left you lots of pee mail so you could learn. Listen to her, never be too proud to sit in her lap, learn a new trick and to love.

When I finally meet you some day, years from now, we can sit under a porch, chase some squirrels, and compare notes on what it was like to be a companion to a great friend.